²⁷ Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in the power of your hand to do so.
²⁸ Do not say to your neighbor,
“ Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,”
When you have it with you.

This month, I’ve decided to read one chapter of Proverbs each day as a devotional. I’ve heard of others doing this and thought it was a good idea. So now I’ve finally begun. Wisdom is probably the most important thing we could request of from the Lord. Believe me when I say I can use all the wisdom I can get. Wisdom is the ability to make good, godly choices. I really really want wisdom.

Now for a confession. As you all know, I am involved in ministry to the homeless. I love the homeless… on my terms. I love one on one interaction with them. I love them when they are my patients. I love them when I sit with them during Bible study. But lately, when I see a homeless person at the end of the exit ramp, holding the little sign, I feel resentment. I resent the fact he wants something from me. I resent the fact he thinks he’s entitled to handouts. Do I really know what he is thinking? NO!

So what do I do? I ignore him. I stare straight ahead. I pretend he isn’t there. Like the Pharisee in the parable, I cross to the other side of the road. I’ve been crying to God for days and days because I feel like I’ve lost Him. I’ve known there is some sin in my life keeping me at a distance from Him. I just haven’t been able to see it. I’ve been begging Him to show me what it is.

Over the past week alone, He has put people directly in my path. The other day, there was a woman standing in the middle of the road at 6am. Instead of stopping to ask her if she needed help, I beeped at her to get out of the way. I felt my heart get a little bit harder. Every homeless person I ignored these last couple of weeks has led to more and more hardness, more and more sadness and pain. God has been putting all these people directly in front of me, practically flashing a neon sign in my face that screams “MICHELLE! LOOK AT US! HELP US! LOVE US!” But like Jonah, I run the other way because I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be bothered by the hopelessness all the time.

Last night it finally came to a crashing halt. I stopped at Subway before worship practice. There in front of the store was a homeless guy. I ignored him. I went into the store and got my food and ate it. I so grieved the Holy Spirit when I ignored His prompting to buy that man food. I politely walked on by like the good Pharisee I have become, got in my car and went on to practice. I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY WRONG!

I couldn’t even look at my brothers and sisters. I couldn’t speak to them. I could barely lift up my instrument to play. All I wanted to do was leave and crawl under the rock I so rightly deserve to live under. My mind was screaming to them, “I’M THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE, THE WORST SINNER, A PHARISEE! I DON’T DESERVE ANY OF YOU!  I DON’T DESERVE YOUR RESPECT OR YOUR LOVE!”

When we were finished practicing, John asked me if I wanted to talk. I said yes. My other confession is I hate confessing! I can do it easily enough here on the internet because I don’t have to see the look of disgust on your face. But to actually confess to someone face to face? Well then I know I’ll turn into stone or a pillar of salt even. One of my biggest fears in life is to lose the friends I have. To confess to them and let them see how horrible I really am is painfully hard. To let them see me cry is painfully hard.

But confession leads to repentance. God says if we confess our sins to each other we will be healed. I have to believe what God says and not how I feel. God is truth and that truth sets me free. And so I confessed. And so the Lord finally got through my thick skull and allowed me to repent. And all the glory goes to the Lord!

James 5:16
Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I just want to thank my brothers and sisters for letting me confess to them. I want to thank God for putting up with me. I want to thank Him for new mercy. I want to thank Him for His unfailing love and patience. I want to thank Him for His discipline because I know He disciplines those He loves. I frequently wonder why He loves me? I may never know why, but I will be forever grateful He loves me despite who I am.

Please pray for this to sink in deep so I can move forward and not slip back into old ways of thinking. Thanks for “listening.”

Forever His… Michelle