²³Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

I pray these words frequently. The funny thing about the Lord is He really does answer prayers, particularly if you are praying for something good for yourself. It is very good to ask the Lord to search your heart. It is also kind of painful because He does. Then He shows you the stuff you’ve been hiding from your whole life.

How is He doing this in my life? I am applying to Pioneers Mission Organization. The application is quite lengthy and arduous. They pretty much want to know every detail of my life. They want multiple references. They will be doing a background check. They want to know the details of my divorce. They want to know how well I understand theological matters. They want to know if I am psychologically fit for service. As taxing as this application is, I am quite grateful for the process. I am persevering because I am that sure of the call the Lord has given me.  Nothing truly worthwhile should come with great ease. This is the “putting the rubber to the road”, just how serious am I about fulfilling my call, nuts and bolts, heart searching I asked of the Lord.

The application has 3 different psychological profiling tests. Three! Each one is slightly different. Each one has me looking at my life in a real, deep, soul searching manner. I find it really ironic I am drawn to search that deeply when all my life I have done my best to never look that closely at myself. I am the queen of denial. My skeleton closet is extremely full, tucked away in a secret room with a hidden door, under a well, in the bowels of the earth. It’s DEEP.

So what am I learning through this process? I have come a long way from  my old life. I am so much better now emotionally than I was the day before the Lord saved me. I also have a long way to go. I am still carrying around a lot of emotional baggage I haven’t dealt with yet. I could see it clearly when I took those tests. I find myself wondering, is becoming a missionary something I can do to “help” the Lord, or is it something He is doing to help me? One thing I am certain of, I am quite confident in the Lord’s ability to bring me through the valley. I am also confident this is all part of His plan for my life. He has a good plan and He will work everything for good. I trust Him.

Forever His… Michelle